This is a free verse story-poem that came to me several years ago, written as an internal dialogue. I had someone specific in mind at the time, but never felt comfortable sharing it – probably because it was too touchy-feely, and I had not really connected to my own emotions very well. But I have finally decided that when something impresses itself on me, I should at least try to pass it along. It may not speak to the first person who it might be shared with, but maybe someone they know, so when the muse speaks, so should I.
Child of Wonder
Why? Why? WHY!?
Why did it happen? Why did it happen to ME?
Curled up in a ball… forehead on knees…don’t even want to look around… arms holding tight to legs as though for a sense of fleeting security. Have to hold it … together …
Sometimes tears. Sometime just sadness, helplessness, hopelessness…
Wanting to believe, hoping to be able… to continue…with any belief… at all.
Wanting to be able to hang on…to hope, to life, to anything at all!
Is no one there?
Is God there?
How can this be love if God is Love?
Why do I feel like a joke – on display for the universe to mock!?
Was this pain in God’s plan? Is this really the best He can do? Really makes me wonder…
If God is in control, why does it feel like life, love, meaning, the future… are all out of control…
…or maybe just out of my control…
Maybe that is the whole point – it is out of MY control – probably needs to be anyway – it’s not like I’ve maintained control all that well.
I’m sorry, what was that again? Not sure I quite heard that…
Yeah, I guess that’s right… No, I don’t know it all, can’t do it all, and can’t keep it all under control all the time.
Not really sure why I thought I had to always be in control … just always thought that’s the way it’s supposed to be … Well, it is … isn’t it?
Says who? I dunno, everybody just seems to think that’s just how it is, right?
What do you mean “What if everyone is wrong?” – how could that be possible?
“All about context and perspective” … what is that supposed to mean?
OK, I see it – a bunch of little kids in a preschool, but no teacher in the room. Yeah, they are going a little crazy… A couple kids are fighting over a coloring book… tore it half so neither one can have it all. That bigger kid over there pushing around the smaller kid. Another one is finger painting the face of the kid next to him – sorta looks like a dog face from here. The one in back is crying – over spilled milk…
Yep, looks just like life – no one wants to take turns, or share… Those who can get by with it beat up on those who try to play fair. Some are trying to make the others look like something they are really not, others crying over what they don’t have.
So, you’re saying life has been like that from the beginning? You mean that life will always be miserable? So, what’s the point?
What’s that posted on the board in the front of the room? Yeah, right, looks like some pictures, numbered, about ten of them. Huh, how about that – the pictures show examples of how to get along. Looks like the Teacher put those up before leaving the room. I see now, the Teacher is still standing at the door, looking through the little window… seems to be just watching the kids.
So why doesn’t the Teacher step back into the room to restore order? Looks like things are getting a little out of hand!
You say this is just a test? To see how mature the kids are right now? To spot the trouble makers, and see which ones who have learned their lessons about how to get along with others?
So the Teacher won’t really let things get out of control – he is just watching, waiting for a critical moment to walk back into the room … to continue the lesson … correct the ones who behaved badly, encourage the ones who learned their lessons well.
Wow! Guess I never quite thought of it that way. So the guy who cut me off in traffic this morning – he is like the kid who can’t wait for his turn. The boss who took credit for my report last week – he’s the bully, right? And the kid with the paint is trying to pretend that others are really what he wants them to be. OK, I get it now – I’ve been crying over spilled milk myself recently.
But despite the apparent chaos in life, there is still someone in charge, who is just waiting, watching to see what is happening, ready to intervene and correct the ones who are out of line. And ready to commend the ones who have learned their lessons well.
That does sound familiar, now that you mention it… I have heard this story before, but maybe it just did not sink in before…
When I’m crying over a loss, fighting over my rights, trying to defend myself, trying to not be what everyone else expects – You are still watching, even while You are waiting. You are still in control when my situation seems so out of control from my perspective. When I finally look up, I can see You still there – at the door, waiting, but still watching!
I wonder … when You will come back … to correct us … or to commend us…
But even if we don’t see you at every moment, the lessons are right there in front of us, if we would only look up and be reminded. You already showed us the lessons; we just need to start paying attention!
I wonder … which of the lessons did I miss when I was not paying attention?