[Mood Alert – Depression]
This free verse poem was written during an episode of depression. It illustrates that life cannot be accurately perceived when under the influence of a mood-altering condition.
Questioning the Meaning of Life
while peering through the lens of depression
Every day life confronts with the same hard questions …
evoking the continual self-questioning …
Who are you…really?
Why are you still here?
What right do you have to even be alive?
As they echo inside my head,
the questions are not mere existential pondering,
but blunt and brutal accusations
against my right to exist,
to be human,
to have value,
to expect to love or be loved.
Don’t you think everyone around you would be better off without you?
Why won’t you just die and leave everyone else alone?
Probably even God thinks you were a mistake!
Why don’t you kill yourself … then you can tell Him face to face what you think of this mess of a life He gave you?
Job’s comforters are always there,
in my thoughts
like a crowd of voices,
cheering me on,
while I am running full speed
toward the brink of oblivion
…and final destruction.
You must have done something really bad … because you deserve to be so sad!
Why don’t you just snap out of it?
Get over it!
Things aren’t as bad as they seem!
Just do something for someone else
and stop thinking about yourself so much…
Besides, you don’t really deserve to be happy anyway…
so at least do something to make someone else’s life better!
Those jeering voices won’t listen to my defense…
looking through the filter of my emotions,
to me this makes perfect sense:
What can I possibly give to someone else?
If I am nothing…
and I have nothing worth giving to anyone,
and since I don’t deserve to live,
how can I presume to give…
when all I am, or have,
which I might have given
is only that which is nothing itself?
Is a gift worth nothing really a gift at all?
Isn’t that more like a drop off at the garbage dump?
Life is sacred, so they say…
but what is so sacred about the pain day after day?
Suffering, self-sacrifice and pain
and builds endurance…
or so it is said!
That all sounds so nice and noble,
but sounds so hollow,
once inside my head.
If the future beyond this life is so much better,
why then wouldn’t everyone want to be dead!?